Last week I spent a week in soul-deep fellowship with 23 of my new best friends. It was the first annual Close Reads Podcast retreat, where people from all over the US, who happen to listen to the same podcast about books came to discuss, well...books.
For six hours each day we discussed poems, essays, and books by the inestimable Wendell Berry: A Native Hill, The Unsettling of America, The Memory of Old Jack, Remembering, and A World Lost. My appreciation for this author is far deeper than I could have guessed it would be when we first started. I knew he wrote one of my favorite books, Jayber Crow, but I had no idea the depth of his philosophy or literary prowess until we undertook a deep dive into his works. When we were not talking about those books we were talking about other books--books we have read, books we want to read, books others have read that intrigued us, books that challenge us, books that we hope the podcast will cover. Books.
And when we weren't talking about books we talked about other matters important to the soul such as theology, death, birth, family, dogs, community, singleness, wine, marriage, Truth, Magic, Eastern Orthodox tradition...
Wait, did you say Orthodox tradition?
Yes. I did, and I heard some of the most amazing and thought-provoking ideas about church tradition, theology and death. These are things that have been hidden from us in the American church and perhaps even the Western Protestant church tradition as a whole, and I am stunned at how deeply what some would call "ancient mysticism" resonates with my weary soul.
Have I stepped down the Rabbit Hole? We will see. I need to satisfy this curiosity, and if you know me at all, I am not easily satisfied until I have looked under all the rocks and turned all the leaves.
I write to know what I think. If you happen to read it too, that is fine with me, but ultimately I write for myself. For a long time this blog was the outlet I needed to process what was happening in the educational journey of my family, as well as to encourage fellow sojourners in home education. Then the phrase, "Mom, don't you dare post about that" was heard more and more from my children who were entering adolescence, and I understood that they didn't necessarily want their lives splashed across the internet. As much as I hated to do it, I discontinued publishing new content on that blog, and entered a desert season as a writer that has endured for several years until now.
But now, both of my children are entering adulthood, and I find myself wondering what I want to do when I am done with this homeschooling life. The truth is, my desire to write has never wavered but I have struggled to find the courage to begin again.
Fear is a dreadful thief of inspiration, and I have somehow allowed it to creep in and deter me from being what I desire most to be. Fear of not having something to say, fear of what others will think, fear of the unknown are just a few of the little foxes spoiling this vine. Courage is action despite the presence of fear, and today I have decided that someday, having to explain why I didn't do what I was meant to do all along is worse than all the other fears combined. Courage is the only course. I must just start, and if I fall, I fall. If nothing comes of it, then so be it. On the other hand, if I never start, nothing will surely be the result by default. I don't want to take that risk. A failed effort is one thing, an effort never begun is a failure indeed.
So, at the tender age of 40-something (and x > 45), I am taking up the study of Latin. My brain is not fresh, my eyes require bifocals, and Latin is hard. I have heard all of the reasons for studying Latin, but in our own homeschool, without the impetus of having an external pressure requiring me to do it, Latin was never going to get done. Becoming a Challenge B director was the needed catalyst, and so here I go. My big girl panties are in a bit of a bunch, but no worries, "I got this!" (Quotes used here because the grammar of that expression pains me every. single. time.)
And there's the rub. The grammar nerd in me is having fun! Latin is a giant grammar puzzle. It is not an easy puzzle, mind you. I would have chosen a different text and a different pace, but since I am assigned this for now I am working with it.
I spent a lot of this past summer fretting about this upcoming school year. The things we are doing look so different than things in the past, that I just wasn't sure I was going to have enough space on the proverbial "plate" for it all.
Turns out it really didn't matter. As it is, I got hit with some viral bronchitis that laid me out for about 18 days. We haven't had a day of school yet in which I have felt well. All the plans, all the schedules and imagined deadlines for this and that all have been pushed aside and we have done what we could do each day. Interestingly it has all managed to get done.
What has been most surprising is the success we have had, especially working on Tapestry of Grace history assignments, just the two of us. Molly is beginning her four-year timeline project, the same one that Matt did, the one that she always kind of envied him doing, and she has thrown herself into it. Together, we have found a fascination with archeology, conventional dating systems, and apologetics as it applies to the discovery of all things Biblical within these disciplines. What a joy to see my daughter get really psyched about these these things!
Meanwhile Molly has also begun her French 1 and Creative Writing classes with Well-Trained Mind Academy, and she loves them. Matt has begun Spanish 1 and College Composition at the local community college, and is enjoying them as well. Together he and I have been working through the Iliad and he has confessed to being really surprised at how much he is enjoying it! Both are attending online math classes with Mr. D math.
This bronchitis that has taken me down means one thing--I've been sick A LOT this year. I'm like the rest of people--an occasional cold or flu will get me down here or there, but I am not the type to hunker down with blankets and tea and a heating pad and stay there for days. But in May I was laid out with acute Lyme or something very, very close to it. I don't know if I've ever been so sick, and ended up missing most of the month. And now with bronchitis I have hardly left the house in weeks, and my yoga pants and pajamas are getting the workout of their lives. So is my heating pad (which strangely seems to bring some relief for my poor chest). In it all, though, my kids have fared well. Their school work is getting done, they are remembering to follow through.
So today, after weeks of not feeling great, I "went back to work" and got all the usual things done. I'm so proud of Molly and the hard work she put in. Matt took his first college test. All the fuss and stress and worry that I spent time on this summer was for naught.
We have a new family member! My daughter finally took possession of her birthday present on August 7, since I had been sick with Lyme and basically missed her birthday in May. Even so, she had requested a hedgehog for a pet, and after many years of wanting one, we finally took the plunge, but gently--she's prickly! We all love her to bits and she is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Meet Holly the Hedgehog
Don't worry, she's cat-proof! The cats are scared of her.
Molly's new friend.
We acquired a car for my son who will soon have his license. We got him a 2005 Honda Civic with manual transmission, and he is back in the parking lots learning how to drive all over again. Great thing about manuals--you can't text and drive, and friends tend not to want to borrow your car. He needs a car to get back and forth to the community college where classes have started for him. It will be a great to not have to be the mom-taxi.
It is a fun new season we are in, full of teenagers, social lives, and new parenting skills. The time seems to be flying. I am trying my best to be present in the moments, taking them all in, and enjoying the closeness that we share.
Yesterday was Matt's 16th birthday. He decided to close the day by lifting weights. Cleans. NBD. Every lift seemed to lead to another one, and after a while we had all gathered in the garage with him to watch as they got heavier and heavier. He decided to stop at 200 lbs.
Matt has trained as an olympic weightlifter for several years. He went to Youth Nationals in Austin, TX in 2016. It was a heady moment for his dad and me to see him step out on the big platform and push himself to the absolute limit, crushing and surpassing the goals he had and his coach had set. He laid it all out on the platform and it paid off with big PRs.
Last year he took a break from training for nationals for various reasons--a wrist injury, a very demanding school schedule, lifting burn-out, but he still enjoys lifting for personal gain.
To look at him, you would never guess that this young man could move 200 lbs from the ground to his shoulders, but to watch him here, it appears almost effortless. He has the mental focus, the form, and the core strength to pull the weight up. He has the speed and agility to drop below it and catch it on his shoulders, then the leg, core, and back strength to stand it up. It's not only the strength--it's the perfection of form and execution that moves the weight. You might also notice that he seems a little dizzy at the end. To support his back and core he used a weightlifting belt and tightened it pretty tight. Weightlifting isn't always safe, and it certainly isn't easy.
Nothing worthwhile usually is.
This morning I was reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love for the second time. I read it at about this time last year as well, and it is challenging me all over again. In chapter 7 he challenges readers to be uncomfortable--to do things that actually require faith.
Walking in genuine intimacy and full surrender to God requires great faith. Hebrews 11:6 says, "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
He goes on to describe feeling very challenged when a Bible professor asked "What are you doing right now that requires faith?" and goes on to say,
But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.
I had to ask myself what I am doing that requires faith. What has me down on my knees pleading with God for direction and answers. The truth is that I have a very comfortable life, and it is very tempting to let the core get "squishy" and neglect the discipline of devotion, prayer, and worship.
It is tempting to neglect prayer for people I committed to pray for--does it really matter? It is tempting to dismiss God from the pedantic tasks of every day--He's needed so much more in other places. The fact is that if I don't trust him for every single thing, I am in trouble. My comfort is fleeting. It could be gone tomorrow. Can I face it if it vanishes? Have I prepared mentally, spiritually, and emotionally to be joyful in affliction? Can I move the heavy weight because I've been training for it?
Homeschooling is very daily. It is a big calling with lots, and lots, and lots of hours, days, and humdrum in-betweens. It is tempting to forget that it is God's and without my love for him as the central core of my efforts, I might as well quit. It is the dailiness of training the mind the heart and spirit that will enable us all to follow through when the going gets tough, unsafe, and heavy.
As we embark on the new school term in just over a week, I pray that we allow our faith to be challenged, that we look for the path that isn't safe, easy, or comfortable. As Sarah Mckenzie says in Teaching from Rest, I pray that our little basket of bread and fish can be multiplied into a feast for the masses, because we had the faith to bring it. Right now, I'm pretty sure that is all I have.
