Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Critical Realization

I came to a critical realization about two or three weeks ago. I was discussing some issues of my son's lessons with my husband, and concerned as to whether I was doing the right thing for him, I was planning his lessons with excitement about what the next days and weeks would bring, I was considering new resources...and I was having fun. I loved it. I absolutely loved what I was doing and would not, could not consider changing one little thing.

I looked back over the last three years (pre-K, K and 1st grade) and realized all the "running" I had been doing. Something in me felt incapable of taking on this task of educating my children and I was doing everything I could to avoid it, without actually appearing to avoid it. I was struggling with other things as well--at first it was a new baby and a new home, getting settled in a new community, then it was facing uncertain and emotional transitions in our family life, and then it was demons from my past coming to rear their head at me. Nevertheless, God gently and lovingly guided me through it all, though it wasn't without pain. Somewhere in there I found peace. I catch myself saying, "I'm finally at peace with myself," but this is utterly incorrect. Perhaps for the first time in my life, albeit a long life of devotion to God, I am at peace with Him.

When I looked around myself and saw myself enjoying my husband, my home, my kids, the work I'm called to do as a wife and mother, I thought, "what on earth is different here?" Actually, nothing is different. I'm different. Much different. I am at peace. I still believe that this journey of profound service to our children is a call to deeper relationship with God and of healing...I hope for all of us that we can learn to submit to this process and not resist.

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